Ketetapan.

Life is fragile. Life has no certainty. There will come a time, life would feel surreal, uncertain and very difficult to be continued. Some may want to end their life or breakdown when life gets too difficult.

Only after a jolt, a feel that life might slip away, ironically, you would want to go through life til the end. You would accept the challenge... the continued repeat of obstacles and challenge.

Life ain't a game. It doesn't have a restart button when life ends. The second chance or revival of chance to relive life is the most precious. Sometimes, it isn't about the end. It is about learning what happened. Finding the formula/solution to a reoccuring problem... because, that is what living means. To learn. To improve. To trust. To let go into the wind and have faith.

Today, 8th March 2014, marks a bleak history to the Malaysians and many families and friends, whom had board the airplane Boeing 777 (MH370) to Beijing. The airplane went missing from the blip after 1 hour take off from KL.

My facts aren't all accurate, but this is not about facts... it is a note, an entry, to remember this day.

A reminder that life is precious. It may continue... it may surprisingly end. Whether in good ready way.. or abruptly.

Take a page. Say a prayer. Appreciate the present, the second... the moment. Because once it is gone, you are not getting a restart button. So cherish, savour, look, feel, understand and think.

Let's pray for the lives of the passengers of MH370. The strength for the families and friends to go thru the days and nights.

Let's be sensitive to each other. Let's put ourselves in their shoes. Let's not be a jury and judge. Let's not speculate. Let's lend an ear and a shoulder. A hug. A smile.

This entry is not a happy note. But it is a reminder that... in the end, we are human. Bound by Him and His ketetapan (His Fate). And when we come to realize this, we will remember to be supportive of each other.

It is... was... not a pleasant day for everyone. Let's pray, to whichever God we believe in... for #MH370.

Ketetapan. #prayMH370

Obstacles.

The surprise came. Right before the trip. Right before the day, I turn 32.

In all frank and honesty, I was anticipating for it to happen. The obstacle. The reason for me to be pulled down. The reason to break me. The dreams were strong. The signs. It was intuitive.

It came.

No amount of money or saving can help at this point. It is just pure emotional strength and faith. It was the believe I had. I didn't question the reason... I didn't asked "Why me?"

Still, it was torturous. Six days without proper confirmation. Six days of constant pull ups from spiralling. The hardest six days of my life. Well.. somewhat hard.

Tears rolled everytime I looked down. When I am alone. When I face Him. But, I told Him, I accept this. I accept the obstacle. It is time. I need to grow.

I will fight, I told Him in confidant. I know He knows.

Funny how it felt right facing my fears... acknowledging the obstacle. I understood the reason, and it was a reason I needed to hold on to.

This time around, I fought with positivity. A brave front. A smile.

Six days ended. Confirmed. Not as terrible. It is just an obstacle.

But... it gave meaning to life again. I felt the jolt. I felt the need to stay colourful. Be vibrant. Work hard to find my happiness... my balance.

It's an obstacle. It will be tough and difficult but it doesn't mean it cannot be done.

"Just because you burn, doesn't mean you're going to die. You gotta get up and try... try... try." - Try, Pink

"He shall not burden a soul more than (a soul) can bear." - Al-Baqarah 2:285/6

Today marks a week from my birthday. I am not ready to talk about my obstacle in detail. Cukup that I know it will be tough.

This is a happy reminder. A note to self. You can do this. This isn't your first battle/obstacle... and it will not be your last.

I won't ask/wish it away because that is cheating (like a life's cheat code)... but I wish for a reminder every now and then. Just a sign to remind.

At this point... and hereon... I am greatful. Syukur. I am still able to understand.

#2014happynotes #reminder

When life gives you a fast one

Perception is a the key. When you perceive something to be difficult, it will continue to be difficult.

In my experience, it is easier to give up or let go because it is difficult or tough. It is easier to be looking for faults than find solution.

Forget what is good and hold on to the bad. Remind ourselves of the sadness rather than the happier moments.

Very easy to cloud oneself with negative emotions or memories than being brightened with positive outcomes or experience.

Because, it is easier to have life to blame for the shortfalls and the not reacheable expectations than looking closely to oneself as a limited human being.

For example, a housing loan. Monthly payments for the loan can burn an income. There are times, if not discipline enough, will miss payments or perhaps be short of cash after payment.

Rather than feeling bogged down, focus on the payment being an assuarance of a roof on your head. Find the dear things about the house or the surrounding that made you decide on getting a house.

I, for one, am glad I have learnt to appreciate that roof over my head. Although, there are times where it feels near to impossible to survive the month, but it feels good to have a roof over my head. Our head.

The place we got was at nearly 200k. Which means the housing loan is quite a bit... but, the plus side is that it is now valued higher. It was a fairly good investment move.

Last Saturday, as I was walking at the pool area of the condo... the scenery and serenity reminded me why I had decided to purchase the home. It was comforting and it was a place to call home.

As I said earlier, it is easy to perceive everything is difficult, hard or troublesome. But if you take the time to sit and breathe in your surroundings, you will find that - it ain't that bad as your mind perceived it.

So, when life throws you a fast one... remember to look at it at a different light. It may turn for the better.

Sarah Kambali

Pengalaman

The word translates to 'experience'.

Sometimes, it is the experience that makes a person who she or he is.

There are plenty of times memories of experience resurface. At that moment, whether it is just for a second or a whole lifetime, you are left to decide what to do.

Usually, the anger or sad memories will surface and dictate what your reaction to a situation. You will give either your best or your don't care attitude towards a scenario.

On the 8th day of 2014, many things resurface, things said ringing in ears.

Despite all that, managed to push every emotion aside and did what was thought important to be done. Somehow, the result still is not satisfactory. A dissapointment, surely.

Nevertheless, still am trying to come to terms to bring results.

It would be helpful if someone could assist.

Owh well. When will I learn from my experience... it is always easier to point fingers than working together or solve a problem.

Orthopedic appointment...

When I was first diagnosed, I had a breakdown. My breakdown was keeping quiet. Little did I know it kept on til present.

I couldn't communicate with others in the hospital. My mummy would be starting conversations with the surrounding patients. I would be quiet. Maybe, that I blame my genes.

I have this gene that doesn't like to cloud my mind with worries. If I start conversations, I would learn about the other person's reason for being in the hospital. How she/he got sick. It would continue to extend to knowing where that person stays, married or not, have children... it is just too much information. Some might even want to start to get to know me too.

Funny how I share everything online, but I refuse or relunctant to share with the people in the hospital.

Today's orthopedic appointment is full of elderly people... somewhere about 45 and above. Most with wheelchairs, stick, crutches, bandages or even limping to get to a seat.

Most eyes, when they see me walking, I can feel their stares. "What is wrong with this girl/lady?" All I could only smile if my eyes meet any of the stares.

The patients would patiently waiting by talking to another. Ice breaking.

If my mummy is with me right now, I would be listening to her talking to the other elderly.

I guess, I am not a people person... or I practise "Don't speak to strangers." (It is a pick and chose concept. Owh well.

It is 11am already. Nope. Not called yet. Tired. Sleepy. One of those days.

Sarah Kambali

It is ok to be not ok...

Everyone has their fair share of troubles. Some may even be broken due to the troubles that haunts them. The surpressed memories, the reoccuring nightmares, the constant waking up at nights... it is all symptoms of your mind continue to make you feel that the troubles are there, staying and real.

I have had that struggle with my self. It is hard to see that I have conflicts or troubles when I appear to be 99% smiling and happy. There would be that 1% where people would notice I have problems... but those are "on the go " problems, where it will dissolve once solved. That is why it is called a problem not troubles.

My troubles goes back to my perception of life. The why am I given this tribulances. Back to back conflicts that will continue to reoccur in different forms of troubles.

I ask Him;

- why me? Most popular question I ask Him all the time. About my being... my health... the choices I am left to take, the banther and batter. Sometimes, I do get answers... but not instantly or as clearly on the spot. The answer comes at the least expected moment; not a second late and just in time for me to keep for another similar trouble.

- why can't I be that? (Comparing mode) I do this all the time. Reflecting what others have and what I don't. Some have money; wealth... the health... the ability to have a balanced life, a comforting hubby, a loving and supportive hubby... a rich hubby (and you are "tai tai"), a closer relationship with sibling or cousins... child or children. A set of beautiful, hyper, constantly making me worry, expensive babies. One I can teach and mold. Lastly, comparing of my faith. Striving hard to be pure, but others have come to a stage of pureness.
(This is where the grass is not always greener on the other side comes in. Cliche ain't it.)

- why am i "chosen" to have this? SLE. Did I really asked for it? Did I deserve this for whatever I have done? Or is it just a strength source for me to fall back on. There are those who go about flaunting and not taking good care of themselves, they don't get ill. I go to the extend of asking why do i get this and criminals who hurt and steal gets scot free.

There are more things I ask from Him... questions that needs answers. The mysterious ways He has kept for me, myself and I.

It is when I am at ease, even for that 2 seconds, I find what I look for. I see it in nature. I see it in the eyes of my loved ones, my family and my friends. How my struggles and conflicts are also there in a different form. I see that I am not alone in my head with the conflicts... there is someone there to support verbally or silently, be it my family or friends, 1 person will be there. And it is normally not the person I hoped to be comforting me but I embraced it anyways.

My life ain't perfect, but it made me who I am. He had made me perfect with all my imperfections, my troubles, continued conflicts and people from all walks of life. The people I am with may be perfect in my eyes as they see me... but we learn of the imperfections of the other and support each other. We realize, or I do, we are just normal humans trying to get by day to day. And we give the support either verbally in the form of advise/joke or silently by doing what needs to be done. Sometimes, being there matters more than money. You cannot buy a potion/meds for inner strength. It comes from influence and support.

No matter what... it is ok to not be ok sometimes. To be in the dark. To cry or be angry. Just do know at the back of your mind, He is there. No matter what God or being you believe in. All this... is designed and cater for you. And me.

Sarah Kambali

It takes positivity to be happy...

It takes a lot of you to be positive. Being happy is not given on a silver platter... you have to work at it for results.

Some find happiness with the things they buy. The possession. Kids at a phase is happy with toys... or a fancy pencil case. Or a colouring book.

Some find happiness with the comfort of words or action. The words uttered and promises given would make a person happy. Even the extra initiative gives a person that receive a sense of being happy.

No matter what source of happiness, the feeling is temporary and can be clouded with a feeling of unhappy, if you let the unhappiness creep in.

At times, a sense of belonging or a sense of completed feel brings happiness. A child amd her / his mother having breakfast prepared by the mum, gives a sense of belonging and happiness.

Having said all that, happiness is what you perceive it to be. It is a continued effort to be happy. It is easier to be upset than being happy.

Happiness is a choice. You choose to be what you feel. If you want to continue to be angry, bitter and hallow, no one can change your mind, except for you.

2014, I choose to be happy. I will work off these demons who continue to plague my weekend mornings or my workdays.

It is my end game. I wish sometimes he could have a vision like me. Maybe then, it won't be too difficult.

Sarah Kambali

Brunch and Dinner... 01012014

It has been a while since I had this feeling. It's a time well spent with him.

Thank you for the lovely brunch and wonderful dinner, sayang.