Everyone has their fair share of troubles. Some may even be broken due to the troubles that haunts them. The surpressed memories, the reoccuring nightmares, the constant waking up at nights... it is all symptoms of your mind continue to make you feel that the troubles are there, staying and real.
I have had that struggle with my self. It is hard to see that I have conflicts or troubles when I appear to be 99% smiling and happy. There would be that 1% where people would notice I have problems... but those are "on the go " problems, where it will dissolve once solved. That is why it is called a problem not troubles.
My troubles goes back to my perception of life. The why am I given this tribulances. Back to back conflicts that will continue to reoccur in different forms of troubles.
I ask Him;
- why me? Most popular question I ask Him all the time. About my being... my health... the choices I am left to take, the banther and batter. Sometimes, I do get answers... but not instantly or as clearly on the spot. The answer comes at the least expected moment; not a second late and just in time for me to keep for another similar trouble.
- why can't I be that? (Comparing mode) I do this all the time. Reflecting what others have and what I don't. Some have money; wealth... the health... the ability to have a balanced life, a comforting hubby, a loving and supportive hubby... a rich hubby (and you are "tai tai"), a closer relationship with sibling or cousins... child or children. A set of beautiful, hyper, constantly making me worry, expensive babies. One I can teach and mold. Lastly, comparing of my faith. Striving hard to be pure, but others have come to a stage of pureness.
(This is where the grass is not always greener on the other side comes in. Cliche ain't it.)
- why am i "chosen" to have this? SLE. Did I really asked for it? Did I deserve this for whatever I have done? Or is it just a strength source for me to fall back on. There are those who go about flaunting and not taking good care of themselves, they don't get ill. I go to the extend of asking why do i get this and criminals who hurt and steal gets scot free.
There are more things I ask from Him... questions that needs answers. The mysterious ways He has kept for me, myself and I.
It is when I am at ease, even for that 2 seconds, I find what I look for. I see it in nature. I see it in the eyes of my loved ones, my family and my friends. How my struggles and conflicts are also there in a different form. I see that I am not alone in my head with the conflicts... there is someone there to support verbally or silently, be it my family or friends, 1 person will be there. And it is normally not the person I hoped to be comforting me but I embraced it anyways.
My life ain't perfect, but it made me who I am. He had made me perfect with all my imperfections, my troubles, continued conflicts and people from all walks of life. The people I am with may be perfect in my eyes as they see me... but we learn of the imperfections of the other and support each other. We realize, or I do, we are just normal humans trying to get by day to day. And we give the support either verbally in the form of advise/joke or silently by doing what needs to be done. Sometimes, being there matters more than money. You cannot buy a potion/meds for inner strength. It comes from influence and support.
No matter what... it is ok to not be ok sometimes. To be in the dark. To cry or be angry. Just do know at the back of your mind, He is there. No matter what God or being you believe in. All this... is designed and cater for you. And me.
Sarah Kambali
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