The surprise came. Right before the trip. Right before the day, I turn 32.
In all frank and honesty, I was anticipating for it to happen. The obstacle. The reason for me to be pulled down. The reason to break me. The dreams were strong. The signs. It was intuitive.
It came.
No amount of money or saving can help at this point. It is just pure emotional strength and faith. It was the believe I had. I didn't question the reason... I didn't asked "Why me?"
Still, it was torturous. Six days without proper confirmation. Six days of constant pull ups from spiralling. The hardest six days of my life. Well.. somewhat hard.
Tears rolled everytime I looked down. When I am alone. When I face Him. But, I told Him, I accept this. I accept the obstacle. It is time. I need to grow.
I will fight, I told Him in confidant. I know He knows.
Funny how it felt right facing my fears... acknowledging the obstacle. I understood the reason, and it was a reason I needed to hold on to.
This time around, I fought with positivity. A brave front. A smile.
Six days ended. Confirmed. Not as terrible. It is just an obstacle.
But... it gave meaning to life again. I felt the jolt. I felt the need to stay colourful. Be vibrant. Work hard to find my happiness... my balance.
It's an obstacle. It will be tough and difficult but it doesn't mean it cannot be done.
"Just because you burn, doesn't mean you're going to die. You gotta get up and try... try... try." - Try, Pink
"He shall not burden a soul more than (a soul) can bear." - Al-Baqarah 2:285/6
Today marks a week from my birthday. I am not ready to talk about my obstacle in detail. Cukup that I know it will be tough.
This is a happy reminder. A note to self. You can do this. This isn't your first battle/obstacle... and it will not be your last.
I won't ask/wish it away because that is cheating (like a life's cheat code)... but I wish for a reminder every now and then. Just a sign to remind.
At this point... and hereon... I am greatful. Syukur. I am still able to understand.
#2014happynotes #reminder
Hi Sarah,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing your thoughts here on your blog. Reading every word written here really makes my heart goes out to you in the hour of need. Although I'm not sure what obstacle that you're referring to, I pray and hope that you summon enough strength within and overcome this obstacle. God will only place such an obstacle in your life for 2 reasons - 1) to overcome it, and 2) what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger.
Both Adlin and I are no strangers to obstacles. We have fought and overcame betrayal, greed, loss of friends, family and money, poverty, ridicule, diseases, loss of property, home and reputation (but not character), racism. In my darkest hours, I became the personification of what I despised truly - I broke promises to people who helped me and people who had worked for me as I grew desperate to protect my family and whatever property I can cling on to.
Reading the fortune cookie at your office brought a smile to my face. "Your life will prosper only if you acknowledge your faults and work hard to reduce them." Such prophetic words as that is exactly what I have been doing these past 3 years. Apologies made to those whom were hurt by my actions in my darker days and a promise to myself to NEVER GIVE UP. To fight to the end, change the circumstances in my favor and make amends for my mistakes.
Surat Al-Baqarah (2:155-156) - And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient, who, when disaster strikes them, say, "Indeed we belong to Allah , and indeed to Him we will return"
My only hope is that let us shoulder the heavy lifting here in this lifetime, and pray that it will be easier in the hereafter, God-willing. But one thing I have learned thus is this, the closer you are to God, more obstacles will be placed in your life as you have chosen the road less traveled. You can either turn back or go all the way to the end. We have chosen to walk all the way to the end and I hope you will do the same.
So, do what we do whenever we face obstacles. Take a breather, calm down. Take a walk or just simply pray. Then, fight on. Never give up because do know this, He is with us :) We're just a call away if you need someone to talk to or just to share your feelings Sarah.
God bless you.